


Hold my hand, we'll get through this (bad) dream

by IncupboardinStore



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Wings, Cas is dead, Dean have nightmares, Gen, Jack is clueless, M/M, Nightmares, Or Is he?, Profound Bond, Sam is helpless, Sleep Walking, Warning; panic attacks, canon divergent with ep 8, canon up to ep 7, kind of fluff, season 13
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:28:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27189344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IncupboardinStore/pseuds/IncupboardinStore
Summary: Dean have had nightmares before, but this? This is on another level. He've never felt so broken, and yet, with Cas dead and mom gone, isn't this just what he deserved?
Relationships: Castiel & Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 18





	1. No rest no peace

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time publishing a work, grateful for comments and feedback!
> 
> Visit me on [tumblr](https://itsanending.tumblr.com/).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things have gone to hell. This is probably the worst ever that's happened to them. Dean knows he will need some time before crawling out of this hole, but at least bottom is reached. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first ever fic, both first I have written and first I'm publishing. I really have no idea what I'm doing, but I suppose that's ok. Make it up as I go, right? ;)  
> I started on this fic three years ago, but started publishing first in October 2020. In these three years, I have more and more gone to another style in my writing. But I want to finish this one with the same touch as it started with, so it's little bit of a struggle right now :s Hope you bear with me. 
> 
> I love how season 13 stepped up the game for Castiel, he has a purpose again, since in forever, so the inspiration came from his new focus.  
> Visit me on [tumblr](https://itsanending.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Chapter named after No rest no piece by Katalepsy

It started when they got back to the bunker. They had burned the bodies of Cas and Kelly by the lake. As the smoke rose to the sky Dean mentally hardened himself knowing that the coming nights would be tough. No one had intervened, Chuck hadn't answered his prayers, no force, good or evil had showed up. Bad nights was to follow. But he had never been sleep walking before. First time, he found himself in the corridor past the kitchen, fighting against whatever it was that locked his feet to the ground, preventing him from stopping what he knew would come. Sweaty, out of breath and just nearly awake he leaned against the wall, and with no strength left to keep control over his mind, his thoughts wandered to the things past them that so brutally had put him here. Brutally and yet well deserved. The walls in the dark corridor seemed to be closing in on him before his head was clear enough to recognize that he was in a safe place. His pounding heart was soon the only thing to bare witness of the dream he had had.

  


After that it was the same terror every night; Cas walking past them against Lucifer, Deans panic when Sam dragged him away, the pure terror he felt when Cas came back but didn't move away from the rift. Dean knew what would happen if he didn't intervened, but he couldn't do anything. His feet where pinned as in cement, his mouth open but not a sound coming over his lips. In slow motion the angel blade penetrated Cas chest from behind, white light emerging from his eyes, the body falling lumped to the ground. Deans mother suddenly between the brothers, whispering "I love you" and then punching Lucifer over and over again with the warded knuckles. Deans heart stopping when Lucifer grabbed her and at the same time falling backwards into the rift as it closed, gone.

  


He wasn't surprised that this was to haunt his nights for a while, the pain he felt was indescribable. Not just by the fact that he had lost his best friend and mother on the same day, but he hadn't set things right with Cas before it was to late, and he hadn't told his mother that he loved her. So, maybe there where reasons that this particular nightmare left him more sore in the morning then any other ever had done since hell. It wasn't always Cas and mom, though they were the most common victims. Sometimes it was Charlie who was pierced with the blade, Bobby who disappeared into the golden rift. Sometimes it was Garth who was killed and Ellen that vanished. Though being vulnerable didn't come easy for him, at this point all he wanted was to let the protective walls around his heart crumble, and scream "I'm sorry! I was wrong!" and "I love you!". He saw all the people who had gotten hurt because of him; Jo, Claire, his father, Sam, Jody, Ash, Ben and Lisa... Cas and his mother.

* 1 week

After the hunt with Jody and Patience, it escalated. They had lost Missouri, and even though he knew she had chosen that ending, Dean felt it hard. He snapped on Sam. Their mother had, like Missouri, made her own decision, which in both cases ended with them being dead. But Cas, like Patience, hadn't opt for this life. Or maybe Cas had, but Dean couldn't clear his head from the memories of all the times he himself begged, prayed or ordered Cas to be there with them. Cas hadn't had a choice. Dean's blame in this was huge.

  


Once again waking up somewhere else then in his bed, this time in the library, with his hands on one of the swords. This was not good. Had he been trying to fight in the dream? He couldn't remember more then the feeling of total grief and complete frustration, probably because of the lack of ability to any actions what so ever. The following nights he turned himself inside out to fight it, kept battling to move his stone still legs, tried to form any kind of sound with his frozen tongue. But the more he fought, the more it drained his mind and heart. The shadows under his eyes grew darker for each day. He could see that Sam was worried, Dean caught his brother giving him concerned looks now and then, but he ducked away. It was to near to talk about.

  


What Dean didn't know was that Sam heard his walking many of the nights. Since that first time, when Dean had found himself near the kitchen, what he had missed on his way back, was that Sam had been there. Making some coffee to survive one more hour of research, he startled by footsteps and saw Dean pass outside the door. He had called his name but Dean hadn't answered. Hearing his name was what had been waking him up that first time, though Dean couldn't recollect that.

  


Sam went to the door frame and the frown on his forehead grew deeper when he saw Dean with a tensed posture walking away from him towards the bedrooms. When the same thing had happened every night for half a week, Sam installed an alarm onto Deans door. It would send an alert to Sams phone if Dean would open the door during the night. This whole bad-sleep thing would normally not be such a big deal. Dean had been sleeping real bad for weeks already, and their losses had taken a real bad hit on the older brother. Add to that the worry and uncertainty about Jack, that Dean had a real hard time to wrap his mind around. He normally suppressed the feelings he couldn't do anything about, and that usually took it's toll on his sleep, but the sleep walking was a new one. Sam just wanted to make sure nothing happened if Dean walked of again, but on the other hand he didn't want to upset him more. He said nothing about the alarm or that he knew that Dean sometimes woke up in some other part of the bunker.

  


*

  


It seemed like the time slowed around them when everyone tried to survive in there own ways; Dean being grumpy, Jack being clueless, Sam being the one to trying to even out the gradually rising tension. He bought pizza and pie to Dean, and explained to Jack how a search engine worked so he could educate himself. And then immediately regretting to not first teaching him internet sense. Choking on his own drink Sam snatched the laptop. "No! God no! Jack, not those sites! You searched on Deans name? There's a whole.. o man.. you know Chuck, ehm, God? He wrote books about us, or like, prophecies. Our life, everything is in there. And, ehm, someone uploaded them so, hm, so you can't use our real names, you'll only end up with really crazy stuff! Like fan sites and things.. No! No, I'll not explain that today. Just please, not now, I'll tell everything another day. Just not today. What did you search on anyway..? "How do you make Dean Winchester happy?" wow Jack, that was eh.. yeah, wrong way to put it..". Still blushing Sam wiped the search history, excused himself and hurried off to make lunch, pretending not to hear Jacks question about what Sam then thought would make Dean happy. Dammit, Sam thought, Jack wouldn't be clueless a long time if he hit all those sites! Maybe he could set up a block, reasoning with himself that technically Jack was still just a baby.

* A few days pass

Dean kept fighting, but no one can take that much bad sleep without cracking. The inevitable happened, and a couple of days later Dean lost it. It was a particularly awful morning. He had been chasing sleep and dream ghosts all night, and as a last resort headed down to the shooting range around dawn. Keeping his mind focused had to help, it usually did. But for each bullet he fired, the target seemed harder to hit. For each empty magazine his determination that this was an good idea, slowly evaporated off him. His head ended up leaning on the counter, he was just so tired. What if he could get some shut eyes here and now? Just some minutes. Not long enough for the dreams to begin, but hopefully it was to give some rest. He let himself slide down to the floor, back against a wall, any wall, barely noting the cold tiles. Oh man, his whole body hummed with exhaustion, but it was at the same time a restless feeling. A shaky breath escaped him. Focus man, focus! A slow breath in, and then out, don't force it, breath in, and out, breath in... With a mad grim and jarring scream, Lucifer's face rushed towards him. Dean threw up his gun, fired and everything around him exploded in white, and went still.

  


After a few seconds he heard someone breath heavy, but before he again pulled the trigger he realized it was himself panting. Pitch black in the room, he was on his knees heaving like an asthmatic, still flaring the gun around in the dark. What the hell had happened? Lucifer?! But it most have been a dream. Shit, he couldn't even close his eyes for a couple of seconds now?! And why the hell was it dark? Gun still high he fished out his phone to get some light. What could he do but stare. He had shoot the switch, the one that used to have a little red light flickering in it, and shot what seemed like multiple times. Dammit. It felt like several minutes before he could pull himself together enough to put the gun down. Maybe he should talk to Sam. This was getting a little out of hand. But on the other side, what could Sam do? It wasn't like a talk and clap on the shoulder would fix any of this. And Sam had his own stuff going on. And then it was the.. the.. thing.. kid, whatever. He headed to the stairs, in the dark missing the first step and mashing his bare toe so hard sparks swished in front of his eyes. And he crumbled. Because, if Cas had been here, he had just to put a hand on him and the pain would've been gone in an instant. Or even more so, if mom and Cas hadn't been gone, he hadn't been down here shooting for his dear life because he can't sleep thanks to some stupid nightmares!

  


When entering the kitchen for breakfast, Sam was unprepared for the sulking figure by the table that was Dean. He quietly poured them both some coffee.

"You want something stronger in that? he asked Dean. Dean looked up a little gazed.

".. it's not even nine in the morning Sam.."

"Shut it, you want some?"

"Yeah it could be a good idea.."

  


Thoughtful Sam went back to his room some time later. Dean had told him about the recurring nightmares, probably not everything but enough. Said that he was distressed by it, that it didn't got better and he was growing weary. So Sam had in turn told him about the alarm that went of almost every night, about how he sometimes found Dean crying somewhere in the bunker, sometimes screaming so loud that Jack came running, but that Dean, still sleeping, always allowed Sam to coax and gently push him back to his bed. That Sam sometimes had waken him up by calling his name, but had tried to keep out of eyesight so that Dean wouldn't feel ashamed by his brother knowing. Dean had smiled a hurting smile, blushed but kept the eye contact with his little brother and embraced the tall man in a tight hug. "Thanks Sammy" was all he said in a broken voice. He was pissed off about the alarm, Sam could see Dean tense by the words, but had at least let him finish talking without interruption. Dean was to tired to start an argument, and when he had realized how much Sam had done to prevent him from feeling ashamed, he couldn't do other then forgive him at the spot.

  


After that Sam had gotten Dean sleeping pills. He was now sleeping longer and a little deeper, so that he didn't walk every night, but that meant he had to put up with the dreams during a longer time. Normally he was fine with five or six hours, but the pills added some extra and he was now hitting at least seven hours each night. Which meant more terror, more people to watch die, more heartbreaking departures. After another week he didn't know what was worst, the lack of sleep without pills, or more sleep but more nightly torture with them. The anxiety after waking up kept a hold on him longer for each day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it.


	2. Broken pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's getting worse and better, but still worse. But and all the shame? Dean really can't handle needing people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Visit me on [tumblr](https://itsanending.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Chapter named after Broken pieces by Apocalyptica feat. Lacey

The shifter case was a no-brainer, but emotionally it took a toll on the brothers. Sam had convinced Dean that they were bringing Jack on this one, Dean not pleased still gave in; Sam's pleading was more then he could take right now, or if he ever could. And Jack had done good in the end, he had to give him that, though he himself had been a dick. The atmosphear in the car was awkward and Dean was uneasy, gripping hard on the steering wheel to keep himself from squirming in his seat. The jerk side of himself he didn't like, but often he could use it, turn it in to rage during a hunt. Use it as fuel against a monster. But being an ass to his brother, like that? No, not good. He had paced the area late that night, and then slept in the car. Baby never asked questions, baby didn't want to talk about it. In the silence he had came down to that he after all needed to say something to Sam, at least an apology. Later, when Jack wasn't around.

  


*

  


Dean went back to his room, just one beer wasn't enough to make him relax after that talk. He needed something stronger. He had said he was sorry, there even had been more tumbling out of his mouth he hadn't planned to say. But Sammy? His little brother was losing hope, which made Deans situation more complex. Sam keeping his faith and hope up was what helped Dean keep anchored. Perhaps the anxiety over it all was what made the nightmare worse, because that night was hell, literally. He dreamed he was in hell, stretched out on a bench, every person who had been hurt because of him passing him by. The last ones was Cas, mom and Sam. Cas said with disgust "You always was just another human to me, nothing special". He cried out when Cas buried his hand into Deans chest and pulled out his heart. It said "Castiel" on it, the letters surrounded by a golden shimmer. The pain was incredible, but still, the words hurt more. "Look at this peculiar thing" the angel said squeezing the piece of meat in his hand, glancing down at Dean with an amused look, "he thinks he is worthy to keep my name so treasured".

  


The picture dimmed and now mom was in front of him. "How could you ever think I wanted to come back to this? I was in heaven Dean! Heaven! And now I'm stuck with you. Sam at least I can get to know for the first time, but you? You destroyed the Dean I loved". She cut his chest open and again his heart was ripped out. "Mom" it said on it, with a silver glow around the letters. "Pathetic" she uttered and let it fall to the ground.

  


Sam suddenly before him. "Sammy!" he yelled, "Help!". Sam looked at him bewildered. "Do I know you?". Deans heart stopped at that. "Oh wait, you are, hm.. you are Dean, right?" Dean could only nod slightly. "Oh yes.. Dean.. Who thinks I need him". Deans breath was taken away. "Well. You know what? I don't. You are and you never were, anything to me".

  


He screamed in agony, opened his eyes and saw Sam standing in front of him, looking so terrified that Dean once again felt his heart being crushed. This was to much. He looked down, his wrist captured in Sam's hands. Sam's hand was so big, Dean felt so small. In this trembling state the only thing he could think was "When did you get this big? How could I have missed it?". More violently then intended he pulled back. Flustered and still a mess from the dream, he fled to his room.

  


In the morning he made coffee and pancakes as a bribe to keep Sam from talking. He didn't wanna let out a word about the dream and he didn't wanna hear anything about how he woke up, Sam looking so worried. The dream he shoved away, never was he going to think about it again.

  


In the end, what was it that the therapist had said? "You are angry Dean. And if you don't wanna do anything about it, that's your business. But you are aiming it on everyone in your life". He couldn't deny it. Angry and blank. Full of grief and totally empty.

  


*

  


Following night started as the original dream by the rift, but turned soon in to the hell torture. He was shaken to his senses by Sam. Pure terror meet him in Dean's eyes.

"We need to talk" Sam said and walked him to some room far away from the bedrooms, maybe Dean would open up if he was sure Jack couldn't overhear them.

"Dean. It's getting worse again"

"Man, just stop, I'm not talking about this". Dean headed for the door; Sam blocked him.

"No. You are listening to me. I don't care about your ego, this is about your wellbeing. And mine. Cause if you break so will I. I need you to be ok". Deans heart skipped a beat, Sammy wanted him here. Because no matter what logic he told himself during the days, a little part of him still believed what hell-Sam had said.

"Ok" Dean said with a forced bitch face, trying to hide the relief he felt. "Talk, but I wont hug it out or anything, ok?"

"Well, about that.. It seems like that is what you need"

"Need what?"

"To hug it out" Sam answered with a concerned frown.

"Say what?!"

"Dean! Come on. Just let me finish. Some of these last few days I think you slept better, right?"

Dean didn't answer. Which was the same as a confirmation.

"One night you got a hold of my arm when you walked around, I was trying to led you back to your bed, but you grabbed my elbow, not letting go, and something with you changed. You relaxed, looked more peaceful". Dean flinched, he remembered that night. It had started as usual, with the rift, Cas stepping through, stabbed, mom stepping forth, falling, rift closed, gone. He didn't know how many times this sequel was in the loop, when suddenly his legs moved and he grabbed Cas, pulling him away from the blade, and then everything froze. With a tight grip on Cas sleeve a peaceful darkness surrounded him. Ironically it hadn't been a good experience.

"I mean, man, I've seen you walk the corridors now for some time, you look terrible". Dean gave him a real bitch face this time.

"I mean it Dean. It's heartbreaking to see you like that.." the last words came quite, Sam looking down. Deans heart took an extra beat this time. It pained him to see Sammy like this, and more because it was for him.

"We'll figure something out" he said, placing a hand on his little brothers shoulder.

"But that's the thing, I think I know the solution. But you probably wont like it."

"Well if you put it that way I have to prove you wrong", Dean answered with a attempt to smile, he hated when Sam was worried. He was the one that was supposed to worry and take care of things. Sam should be focusing on being happy and saving people and stuff. Not being dragged down by his big brothers nightmares.

"So what do you suggest?"

"That you talk to me. About the dreams". Dean directly regretted his question and tried to get out of the room again.

"Dean, stop. Ok, I'm sorry. You don't want that. We'll try something else". Dean only gave him a dark glance, but stood still.

"Ok, how about this. The thing so far that got you calm was when you were holding on to me". Dean moved unsettled, he didn't like the direction of this either.

"You need to have someone close by who can wake you up and interrupt your dreams, cause right now I'm as much concerned about being shoot by you in the night, as I am about you breaking at some point and going nuts!". Dean just gave him a mortified look.

"So, I was thinking, we'll take turn in sleeping, you tuck in, I'll watch over you and when are you done I'll get my hours". It stung in Deans heart, that was what Cas had said a couple of times, "I'll watch over you". He turned his head to hide the tears that was lingering in the corner of his eyes. Man, he missed him. Sam mistook it for anger or shame.

"Just 'til we find something else. We'll fix this, ok?". Dean only answered with a clap on his shoulder and a short nod, not meeting his brothers eyes.

"I mean, something, anything. A spell perhaps. Maybe if we talked to Rowena.."

"Hell no! I'll rather go back to the headshrinker! No freaking witches, we'll find another way.."

"Ok, ok.."

  


Sam gave Dean some more hours that night, waking him up more then twenty times to interrupt when the dreams started. It was painfully obvious when that was, and the first time pained Sam to tears. Dean was moving uneasy in his bed, and after a little time starting to sob quietly, and then suddenly took a desperate inhale, Sams eyes strained on him. This he hadn't known of. As long as Dean had stayed in his room in the bunker, Sam hadn't got any clue of what was going on in there. Dean murmured under his breath, "noo.. Cas please, I'm so sorry please look at me.. mom.. not again.. no don't.. don't leave me again.." his voice trailing off. This was to much. After gently being shaken out of it, Dean barely just looked up at him through teared eyes, falling back on the pillow. Sam wiped his own eyes, and hoped this was going to do some difference, anything to ease the situation. O my god, Cas, mom, this was to much for them to handle. He had no idea where to even start. He had hoped that if Dean just got some more hours it would be better, but this? No, no.

  


*

  


Dean was ashamed, this was not the way it should be, even though he had slept better since that night when Sam started to be in his room. He wasn't sure he wanted to admit it, but he had no choice, Sam had seen that it had done some good for him. And when Sam had made up his mind, not even the Devil could hold him when it came to saving Dean, that he had literally already proven. So Dean had only to adjust and Sam continued to keep an eye on him during the nights. The only thing Dean had on his mind now was to find a way to get this over with. Sam was getting tired, this temporary solution was taking it's turn on him as well, Dean could see that. He had done research, but he couldn't find anything satisfying. There where spells to give sweet dreams of any kind, but nightmares? Of course you could give it to people, but take away existing ones? Nope. They were somehow attached to the soul; it was to deep down in a human to be done without use of some heavy dark magic. And then there still was this other part, that he wasn't sure he wanted to get rid of them. Every part of him was convinced that this was what he deserved. Honestly? He didn't wanna sneak out of it, that would be to betray mom and Cas. He needed to pay his debt. But it was affecting hunts in bad ways, and if that wasn't enough, he needed to lift this burden of Sam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean always being the biggest person in his life is starting to break. We know their lifes was a mess from the beginning and the only thing that could have changed that would have been John going to counseling after Marys death, intsead of hunting. But hey, that doesn't make a horror show, and it's beautiful seeing broken characters fighting and do good with their lifes.
> 
> I really like the idea of "filling" out between episodes, and fixing some spn writers bs, in a kind of canon way.


	3. Keep me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can Dean just have some rest?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Visit me on [tumblr](https://itsanending.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Chapter named after Keep me by The Black Keys

Sam was still worried. Dean didn't walk as much, but still looked like crap in the mornings. Deans tense manner around Jack made conversation impossible. So here they were, enjoying the empty road and bickering pleasant about silly things, just as back in the old days. Dean seemed relaxed. Tired, but still relaxed.

Arriving, Sam had booked them at a fancy hotel, and Deans suspicions was confirmed. Sam was trying to cheer him up. God he hated that. Live and let live was his motto. Kind of. Well, maybe not at all, but damn, just let him be! He took baby for a drive. The silence was ear-piercing, making Deans' head hurt. Despite Sam's efforts Dean was more tired then ever. Keeping himself awake, pretending to be asleep for Sam's sake, he had gotten even less sleep the last nights. But it had been a rest to his mind, even though not his soul. He wasn't near to processes any of the losses they had had this last year. And he planed to somewhat keep it that way. The blame was his reminder to keep safe the few ones he had left here. Or, the only one, Sam. Did he slip at that, then there was nothing left. His own life he only valued by whom he could keep safe. If there were none left that he loved, life had no worth. He would have no worth.

It had been a hard life, right from the beginning only him and Sammy. Even as kids, Sam had been his prior one. There had been others, of course, but none had ever been more important then Sam. Bobby had been like a father, grumpy but caring, Jo his secret crush, Ellen the scary aunt, Charlie had been as the cool sister that understood him. He had loved them, but Sam was always number one. But then there was Cas. When push comes to shove he had chosen Sam over Cas a couple of times already. But he knew Cas could take care of himself, he was a angel of the Lord goddammit! Well, a reckless one, time to another. But he didn't need Dean to save him every time. And no one bosses around with angels. Or, well he had done that. A lot actually. He had always been pissed off by their feathery self-absorbed egos, but Cas had been different.

From their first meeting there had been some sort of trust in Dean from Cas side that Dean couldn't understand. He had instantly known that Cas would listen to him whatever he said, and let his opinion have impact. And for that Dean had started to give trust back. And that, if something, was a miracle. People in his life only got small pieces from him, parts, not the whole Dean, except for Sam, and then Cas. Not even with Lisa he had opened up fully, even though he had loved her. But like every angel, Cas had seen the whole of him, difference be that this particular angel didn't judge him. So from the beginning Dean had, on instinct, given Cas almost full access into his broken heart and weaknesses. He couldn't resist the earnestness and trust combined. The trust had grown to a friendship so close it sometimes was ridicules. "Whatever it takes" he said about solving important things, and if it were down to save Sam or Cas, it was rule.

And now Cas was gone. Not just that Dean hadn't saved him, but worse, Dean had been angry with him the last time they were together. Man, he missed him, and he didn't want to feel peace about any of that, not even at night. As he looked up, he realized he didn't know where he was. Apparently reflexes had kicked in and at least he stood still on the side of the road, engine purring. He needed music. Rummaging around in his box with tapes, one on the bottom caught his eye. The mix tape with Led Zeppelin. The one that he had given Cas. The sight stung in Deans chest. With hard shut eyes he swallowed, inhaled deep to keep the tears away. He had taken it from Cas trenchcoat, before the cremation. The tape had somehow ended up in that box. Where the hell was his phone?! That place Sam had mentioned, he hoped it where somewhere near. He was in desperate need of distractions. Anything would do. Even strippers.

* The haunted house

And then, it happened again, he failed. Sam was asleep against the window. There was a minute or two when cold tightness slowly crept up towards his chest. If it reached halfway up he would pull over. Two thirds up, and he would take a breather. Up to his neck. It wouldn't go that far. No, nope. He could breathe through this. Just in and out, in and slowly out, in, and then out again. The kid on the hunt, how old was he? Fourteen? Fifteen? Not to get older, because of Dean. come on, breathe! When Dean took the drug to stop his heart he wasn't going to stay dead. Sam was ready with the restart, they had set a time limit. But when Death showed up, he wasn't even scared. Breathe..!

"Keep living" she had said. Huh, like it was that easy, like you live just because your body is alive? You just do stuff and then call it life? How do normal peolp do it? They just wander back and forth, leave kids at school, go to work, get to pick up the kids, go home, eat, sleep, and repeat? How is that even allowed to be called a life?! "Keep living". For what? Mom is gone, dead for sure. Cas is gone, forever gone, never coming back. And the rest? The rest of them, that aren't there anymore. That left him! More like they died on his watch... He, he can't do this. There's no out, no way through, no light to keep the hope and striving up. In that confusion his phone rings.

*

Sam sat, watching with amazement, from his friend that had come back from the most dead he had ever been, to his brother that was doing a huodini out of his earlier deeply sorrowful mentalt state. He saw Dean glancing back to Cas again and again, looking both relieved and grieving at the same time. Where the hell would this soup of a mess end up? There was a presence about Cas that Sam had never seen before. So he kept to rambling about Jacks progress.

".. and he is doing good, is a quick learner. He has gone through most of the library already". Pain and pride mixed in Cas face, looking back and forth between the brothers.

"I, eh.." after a quick eye at Dean, Sam continued, "I've tried to teach him how to use his powers." Baby heeled ever so little. Stone faced Dean cleched his hands on the sterring wheel.

"But he has a hard time connecting to that part of him." Sam could almost hear the "good" mumbled from Dean. "I hope you can help him with the angel part" Sam plowed on, leaving Dean to his own thoughts. "The human side of him is.."

"Dean. You look tired." Cas interjected.

"It's nothing."

"It is not safe driving and having slept less then seven hours the night before." Dean snorted out loud at this.

"Sleep deprived drivers are involved in 16 procent of the fatal accidents and.."

"Okay okay!" The anger in Deans manner disapearad the instant he looked in the rear mirror. "I'll find us a motel.." Sam somehow remembered to close his mouth.

*

When Dean was getting them something to eat, Cas helped Sam carry the neccessaries to the room. When putting down Deans trunk a medicine bottle dropped out and scrambled to the floor. As Sam came in with their last things, Cas stood still with his back to him.

"Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"How is Dean?" Cas turned and there was once again so much pain in his demenor.

"Ehm, huh, how do you mean?"

"He is taking medicine to help with sleeping. He has never taken this high dose and not frequent. What is wrong?"

"Uhm, Cas, I think it's best if he told you himself.."

"You know he will never do that."

"Yes, well, yeah.. I suppose.. Okay, just, he'll kill me if he knows I've told, okay?"

"I can prevent that." was Cas stoic answer. Sam fought the urge to roll his eyes on him.

"Well.. he is sleeping bad, like really bad. And dreaming. Bad nightmares, I've never seen him like that, and we've always shared rooms you know, if any I would know. And, uh, he's been, eh, sleep walking. Also like bad." Sam silences.

"And more?"

"Nuh-uh! You ask him about the rest, this is super touchy stuff for him, okay?"

"Why?"

"Not sure really, that's more then he has told me."

*

"... it's ok Sam, go to bed, I´ll watch.." was the only thing Dean heard before falling back to sleep. Sam looked over to him, and said a little quiter.

"Cas, are you sure? Aren't you tired or something as well?" Cas could have laughed at the sight that was Sam Winchester in that moment, disheveled, bags under his eyes. Could have, if he was the type to laugh about things.

"Go to bed, I'll watch over him. I have been to the empty and came back unharmed, which is unheard of. Let me sit and contemplate over my luck, as the humans say, and in the meantime let me look after Dean." Sam hesitated, this could go either way, and he wasn't sure which outcome would be the worst. On the other hand, he himself was tired to his bones. One night, just one night, and then deal with this tomorrow, whatever this was. Sam had a hunch that Dean being ok with Cas wathcing out for him sleeping was not in the books right now.

"You need the sleep."

"Okay, okay..."

Two or three times that night Dean woke up to see a dark siloutte by the window, reading, or just looking out. The wind was howling outside, rattling the thin glas. Maybe that was what had woken him. But then there was also the peace. The room had an unearthly feeling to it, which, if Dean hadn't been so goddam lost in sleep, would had unnerved him to freak out about it, but now the only thought he managed to conjure up was "cloudy feels", and then fall back in to the bed. He was asleep before his head hit the pillow.

Cas again looked over to the brothers. Sam's arm was hanging over the edge, almost touching the floor. He had grown up. Not the young man, almost boy, anymore, that took on Lucifer all those years ago. Now he was a man, taking responsibility for others, caring for his brother in the ways he was allowed. And doing it from his heart, not his mind. Sam knew Dean would freak out if Cas saw the sleep walking, and heard the things he mumbled at night. He knew Cas somehow pulled things out of Dean, things that if Dean had a say, would be burried until the end of days, Sam wanted to make sure Dean felt safe. And Cas loved Sam for that, for the kindness and sincerity. But here, Sam as well was on the verge, one night wouldn't fix anyything, but it was necessary for them getting home in one peice.

Deans eyes started to move with unease and Cas again stretched his wings, out and over the room. A slow breathe out was heard and Dean was again calm. Last time Cas had calmed a worried soul was several years ago. A little child in the middle of the night had caught his attention. The parents had been fighting downstairs, and a little boy had slipped in to the nursery where his little brother was crying, and crept into his bed. They had layed there and unheard cried together, and Cas had been touched be the likeness to the Winchester brothers. Flying to the bedside, the baby had seen him, and started to smile, a beautiful open toothless smile and stretched chubby hands towards the angel. The big brother had stopped his silent crying and slowly turning to Cas, not seeing him. Cas put his wings over them and they fell both in a restful sleep, the older one dreaming about angels with wings and full armour standing by his side and figthing creatures never seen on this earth. He smiled big and hugged his little brother. The little one floated on clouds, softer and gentler then any of the touches he ever had gotten from his mother. The parents had very different dreams that night. The next morning the man poured out all his alcohol in the back garden, and the woman took a long shower, before carefully lifting up her laughing baby to a newly cleaned table, with an attempt to home cooked breakfast. There were old needles in the trash bin, and she had found a number to a church that helped families in their situation. Cas had dropped by a couple of times after that. The house looked more cared for for each visit, and he brought something each time, food from a foreign, or money. Seeing their faces lit up when finding it on the porch gave him great joy. The little one always spotted him, standing on the sidewalk, unseen by human eyes, except for that little guy. After Cas lost his wings he sometimes wondered what had happened to the family. Hoped they got the help they needed, that the big brother could have needs for himself and not always looking after the younger, and that the little one grew up to still see angels.

Looking at Dean sometimes made him go down memory lane. It had been a while now since he thought about that family. How had it been if Dean and Sam had had a normal childhood with loving parents? There had been a lot of people that would have died. Or not. Maybe someone else had been there instead. Probably. There's always other people ready to do the work. Sam would had married early, he's that kind of guy. Dean would.. He would have.. Hm.. Cas can't see what Dean would have done. Nothing fits really. And if Cas is being honest, he don't really like the idea. What would have become of him if he hadn't rescued Dean and got to know the brothers? He didn't like to think about that at all. It was selfish, he knew, but being with the brothers was the best thing that had ever happened to him. It grounded him, gave him belonging, somehow. A family. Love. A quick glance at Dean before turning to the storm like weather outside. And now, with Jack, there once again could be purpose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't get your hopes up! Sorry, but you know how it is. And, the last episode. THAT episode. Yeah, we are truly happy and devastated at the same time.


	4. Nowhere to run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean just want Cas to stay around, okay? They go to hunt the ghoul in Dodge City. Jack is deeply affected by the death of the guard, and takes off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Visit me on [tumblr](https://itsanending.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Chapter named after Nowhere to run by Martha Reeves & The Vandellas

  


Dean finds Cas in the kitchen, staring at Jacks tablet. The face of Kelly is on it. Dean turns away, his feelings towards Kelly is mixed. Foolish woman taking off like that, and somehow getting Cas involved. Ok ok, it all was Jack's doing in some way, and the kid had turned out to be ok. But no, he couldn't really forgive Kelly, not yet.

"Cas, are you alright?" Don't they have any real food? What the hell is chinese atrichokes?! Looks like maggots. Urgh..

"Cas?"

"I was suppose to be there for him.."

"Listen, just, give him some time. He'll be back soon. He probably just need a little time to cool down."

"Dean. He was really upset after all that happened, and now, off by his own? Trust me when I say that lesser then this can make anyone desperate enough to make very foolish decisions". Cas has a suffering look that make Deans heart wrench a little. Dean draw a shaky little breath.

"Dean. Did you listen to me? I need to find him. He has no sufficient control over his powers yet. Either he will be in danger or he will endanger others".

"Yes, yes.. I know. But. I mean, don't you, you know, think it's more efficient to stay here and gather information first? He's not even been gone a day yet. You have no idea of where to start looking! What if you head out and he end up being far away in some other direction?" Dean give him an honest look, he really just wanted him to stay. They had gotten him back just a few days ago, it was too early to split up already. Cas glances at him.

"Ok. I will stay. But just to do some initial research. It's crucial to find him".

"Yes yes, I know" Dean answer hesitant, which make the angel look closer at him. Dean cover his eyes with one hand, man he was getting tired. At least he had slept better since.. since, yeah, since Cas came back. So the last nights had been calm and dreamless. But he need some more time before he is back to his old self.

"How are you doing Dean?". Removing his hand, he met two concerned eyes. "Sam mentioned that you have had trouble with your sleep". Dean get irritated and look away, this is his own to tell, not Sam.

"Dean." Cas say with a low earnest voice.

"It's nothing".

"I see that there is something. You look weary" he say and put a hand on the mans shoulder. Dean let out a little sigh and swallows. He knew he couldn't keep things from Cas any longer periods.

"I just, you know.. for every battle we won, barely won, we got a bigger war dumped in our laps.. It's.. It's just, I mean, It's been to much, ok? I just.. And then eh.." Trailling of due to the struggle with keeping his voice straight. Cas is quiet, just keeping his eyes on him. "It was only nightmares, ok? And some sleepwalking.."

"Only?"

"Ok, there was more, but it doesn't matter, not now".

"Why? If you do not sleep proper you will eventually get sick".

"I mean it's ok, I have slept good the last nights, no dreaming, no walking".

"Ok, good".

  


How could he think it would pass so easily? Nothing ever came easy to them. This nightmare was different from the first two. He was running through the corridors, calling out for the others, no one answered, and he knew somehow that they all had left him there willingly. The panic made him run faster, but there was no end, no door, he couldn't get out. No escape. He was going to die alone in there. Abandoned, as he deserved.

  


Cas came running from the kitchen.

"Dean, has something happened?". But Deans eyes were shut, lips moving, low pained sounds coming from his mouth. Sam is just the second after and understand that this was not the bunker under attack, but Dean sleepwalking in a nightmare. With a gesture he stop Cas.

"He is dreaming again. Something most have happened, it has been some calm nights since you came back." Cas give him a questioning look.

"He missed you. He didn't tell me, but I heard him call your name sometimes". They look at Dean, Cas hurting, Sam thoughtful. Sweat had started to form on sleeping hunters forehead, and his face is twisting as in pain. Cas slowly extended his wings and let them reach around the room. A peace settled. Sam look very tired all of a sudden and stiffles a huge yawn. Dean stopped and was breathing heavy but deep, like after a sprint.

"What do we do now Sam? Do we wake him up?"

"No, no. Normally then he only goes to bed and falls back in to the same nightmare again. The thing that worked earlier was if he got a hand of my arm. It was like if the grip made him calm. Then I could take him back to his bed and often he slept peacefully after that". Sams eyes went shut when he spoke, he had been naive hoping that the return of the angel would help Dean out of this, but apparently it wasn't enough. He look back at the sleeping man and Cas now standing there as well.

"Dean" Cas whispers. Dean lifted his hands, reaching, and when he caught on to Cas arm he relax and a sob escapes him.

"Don't leave me, please no.." he mumble.

"I'm here" was the only thing Sam could hear Cas answer, when they past him, Cas carefully leading Dean back to his bedroom.

  


Dean had a dull pain behind his eyes that morning. But the sleep had been good, if he remembered right, at least after that first horrible dream. What was happening? Some nights had been ok, no dreaming, no walking. Other nights was awful! And tonight had been both? Stretching he turned over and almost flew out of the bed at the sight of Cas sitting by the desk and flipping through a book.

"Jesus Christ man! What have I told about watching me when I sleep?!"

"I am not watching you" the angel answered without looking up.

"What the hell Cas!"

"You had a nightmare and where walking around. I found you in the library". Dean got a flashback of the dream, and it hit him with a punch in the stomach. He got up and faced the wall searching for his robe, anything to hide the whirlpool of feelings that tried to sweep him away.

"Dean?" He didn't answer. "What are you afraid off?". Cas voice was soft, Dean resisted the urge to turn around.

"Just get out..", he aimed to sound angry, but the words spilled from his mouth without any strength.

"I'm not leaving"

"I said get out!" finally with some power.

"No. I mean, you are afraid I will leave like when I got killed. I will not do that again. I need to go and find Jack. He is my responsibility, and I failed him. But when he is safe, we will come back here. If that is ok with you two".

"I don't know what you are.."

"You don't only walk in your sleep. You also talk. Or mostly mumble. But I have very good hearing. And I can sense your distress. It's very distinct." Dean kept his face towards the floor, but Cas could see his ears burning in shame.

"It seems like you are uncomfortable. I will leave you to your morning routine".

"Don't tell Sam.." Dean said with a small voice, still facing away.

"Why? He is truly concerned for you". Cas tilted his head in confusion.

"Please just don't.." he turned around his head and the angel saw the tears in his eyes.

"Ok. I will not tell Sam". Cas left, still wondering why Sam wasn't to be told, but he would always respect Deans wishes.

  


"Cas! How did it go, did he keep sleeping after you left him? I didn't hear anything more from him during the rest of the night."

"He was all calm and asleep." Sam looked pleased.

"Thanks you for the help."

"Anytime."

  


The following two nights started for Cas with reading books in the library while waiting, an ear strained towards the bedrooms. He had turned of Sams alarm, it wasn't only Dean that needed the sleep. The younger brother hadn't said anything but Cas saw that the last events had taken a bad turn on him as well. At least Cas could take off him the burden of worrying for Deans sleep. When the bad dreams started, Cas immediately felt the trouble trickle out from Deans soul. Quietly he went there, took a chair and sat down by his side. Silently he spoke about the wonders he had seen during the many thousands of years he had been watching the earth, letting an arm lay on the bed for Dean to grab a hold of if needed. Both nights the man, at some point in the bad dream, reached out and when finding the arm, clenched it to his chest and took a hard grip of the hand. His expression softened and the initial desperate hold of the angel got lighter, but he never let go. When morning came, Cas had to carefully bend open the hunters fingers before being able to leave, he didn't want to embarrass him again by being there when he woke up.

  


Dean opened his eyes two or three times the first night, but not letting go of Cas hand. Second night was still young when the sleeping man started to move unsettled. Cas had just sat down by his the bed, when Dean suddenly rose on his elbows with an sharp inhale and with half open eyes scanning the room. He probably wasn't all awake yet cause he searched on the sheets with his hands as if he had lost something. Cas looked at him a little confused and then slowly put his hand near Dean, who, when he found it, laid down and tugged it to his chest. Some minutes passed when his breathing started to be shallower, Cas could feel it on his arm.

"Cas..?" his voice came mumbled in to the pillow.

"Yes Dean?"

"Why am I holding your hand?" It didn't sound like he was irritated, just sleepy and a little worried.

"Your sleep becomes deeper and more relaxed then" Cas answered factually.

"You were here yesterday as well", it wasn't a question.

"Yes". Silence, Dean still holding on to the hand.

"I saw you but thought it was in the dream. You were all gone. You had all left me here in the bunker to die. And ah.." he trailed of a little, trying to shake of the feeling of despair. "And I fell och then you were there holding my hand and then the dream dissolved somehow.."

"Yes".

"Huh?"

"I saw that part. You were laying on the floor outside Sam's room". Dean didn't know what to say, the atmosphere had shifted when they had spoken. The dark wasn't so hostile anymore. Then Dean moved a little embarrassed.

"Sorry Cas, I'm still hold..", he started to let go, but Cas held on.

"It's ok Dean. Sleep. I'll watch over you". Dean smirked to the dark. He put Cas arm on to the mattress and placed his hand on his elbow. Embarrassing or not, he chose to not care.

"Cas. You don't need to, ehm, do this.. for me."

"I know. But I want to. I make my own decisions."

  


The following day he left. Nothing had shown up to give them any clue on where Jack could be, so Cas was to turn to the angels. Dean really didn't like the idea, due to the fact that probably every angel belonging to heaven was pissed off at Cas. He wasn't ready to loose him again. Ever. But Cas went by himself despite Deans attempt to go with him. Maybe it was the point that being a part of Team free will made him a easy prey to bad luck from the universe, or if it was something else, it didn't matter. Cas was taken. Not by the angels, it was Hell that had taken an interest in him this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Until now I've been keeping the story to what happens in season 13, up to episode 7, filling out in between the canon scenes. From next chapter it will diverge from canon.


	5. Broken wings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean has a hard time seeing Cas go, but what can he do? They need to find Jack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Visit me on [tumblr](https://itsanending.tumblr.com/).
> 
> This chapter was named after Broken wings by Mr Mister (yes it's chessy, but why not)

Dean got a cold spot in his chest when Cas had walked out of the door. Of course he knew Cas could take care of himself, but he also saw that the angel was still upset about Jack, even though he hid it quite well. It was crucial to find the boy. But Dean knew Cas, hell, they had fought together for so long that words were often not needed. A nod, a glance, was often enough to pass the most vital information. Well to be honest, it had been like that almost from the beginning. They read each others like open books. Or, almost at least. Somethings he hoped was well conciled. He was uneasy now, knowing that his friends feelings could possibly cloud his judgment, and make him take stupid decisions. That he was right about his hunch this time, he wouldn't know until weeks later. During those weeks when Cas was gone, he slept surprisingly well. It was as if that last night had put his pride at the side. To acknowledge that he was ok with openly needing Cas help for this very vulnerable thing, had been a big step for him. Was still in the process. It broke something of inside. He was in some sort of peace.

  


*

  


This would never end well. At least the warding on the cell kept Lucifer from prying on his thoughts. Which was a good thing because he could feel Deans soul during the nights when the bad dreams began. His heart ached of the thought of not being by his side. The dreams was not as intense as when he had been in the bunker, perhaps he was to far away to get the whole picture. He had told Dean he had seen the part where Dean had been laying on the floor, but the truth was that he had seen everything. Their bond was so strong that the first time when he took Deans hand, in the library, all the images flooded his mind. It was a heart-wrenching sight of Dean with no hope left, with no one left, all alone, his biggest fear.

  


*

  


Dean slamed the door shut behind him. First, they had found Jack, then they had lost him, again! And this time to apocalypse world, of all places. Add to that, Jack had seen mom, she was alive! That night a swarm of pictures went in and out if his head, nothing he could see clearly, but it gave him a discomfort so strong it became physical, he turned and tangled himself in between the sheets.

  


Cas head shoot up, he had been in the middle of reciting old scriptures, when a flash of pictures together with confused feelings overwhelmed him. Dean was in pain, dreaming. His soul stood out before Cas eyes, glowing in dark red and orange, mixed with black and eye-hurting strikes of white. Cas hit the floor with his knees and started to whisper soothing words in enochian. After some minutes the stream slowed down, somehow their bond wasn't hindered by the warding. The now viewable flood, contained memories from Deans life, both hurting and happy ones. He could see Sam smile in the ones that were most the cherished, those were clearer, as if the veil that surrounded them had been fingered on so many times that it had became thinner. He saw the brothers laughing riding the Impala, smiling at each other when seeing that the other was ok after a hunt, smirking with pride over each other.

  


Charlie was occupying many pictures, and Cas felt a sting of guilt. She had died under his watch, and hadn't it been for her, Dean would still be cursed. She hadn't deserved a death like that.

  


Marys face came up, and again the pictures moved with a rush. Deans feelings around everything relating his mother was complicated.

  


More memories passed by, more people, Benny, Garth, Bobby, Jo, Ellen, and Cas felt Deans emotions towards all of them; guilt, shame, pride, anger, love.

  


And then there where pictures of him and Dean floating by. Cas leaned forward, curious but also tense of what would appear. One was of that first time they met eye to eye, Cas smirked a little, he had enjoyed showing off like that, making the lamps explode and the roof almost lift from the barn. And the fear that both Dean and Bobby had shown, he was glad, had quickly turned to trust.

  


Next is the events that followed their first meeting, where the brothers are forced to work with Castiel and his companion angels. It comes up as a quick blurr of events, where it seems like the main focus is on Deans efforts to understand Castiel. The angel remembers that Dean had looked at him as if he was trying to figure something out, but seeing Deans memories it apparently had been much more often then Cas had been aware of. What ended this memory took Cas with surprise. It's in the barn were Dean has agreed to give over Anna to them, when the demons shows up. Alistair got his grip on Cas throat and the demons powers was to much for Cas to break of, but in Deans dream Cas can now for the first time see this from a viewers perspective, from Deans. And what Dean is feeling in this moment is first fear, and then mixed with anger. Cas nows, from what they told him years later, that the whole thing with the demons showing up where the plan all along. But something in Dean snaps when he sees Cas being choked, the memory is inprinted with it all over; fear of loosing Cas. The hunters conclusion during all their meetings leading up to this, is that Cas can be trusted. It warms Cas and he smiles a little. Dean did save him.

  


More of their shared moments appears, eveything in a wirl of different colours. Everything highlighted in those memories is always when their relationship developed, both in bad and good directions. It pained Cas to see Dean again and again pray and also call on his phone, during times when the angel for one reasons or another, didn't answer him. The stream accelerated, still only their story. Cas concentrated frown grew deeper, were was it leading to, what was this dream about?

  


And then everything made a severe halt and he saw himself being stabbed by Lucifer, felt all of the hunters pain, his total terror, and it hurt. It hurt so much to see that amount of pain flow through Dean. Add to that the pain of knowing it was his ault that had made Dean suffer like this. It had been stupid to go after Lucifer, but he had been in a blind rage. But then he swallowed hard, because what now flooded Deans mind was guilt. Big and unforgiving. Cas was in shock, why on earth would Dean feel guilty over all this? It wasn't his fault, Cas had gotten himself killed.

  


There was only pain and guilt present in the continuing stream of images. The lump in his throat only grew. There was Jack and angels looking for the boy, some hunts. Everything was covered in a dark blue shimmer of guilt.

  


Again it all made a stop. Dean is slowly walking in to the room were Cas dead body was lying, and the tears is building up in Cas eyes again when he sees this. Dean has a hard time to keep his eyes on the body, let's out a heavy sigh, breathing through the pain in his chest. Hesitating before he lifts the sheets that covers Cas face. Swallows but that big lump in his throat isn't going anywhere, one last look before he covers him again and ties the sheet around the body. His body knows the movements without thinking, but the numbness that spreads through Deans body takes over the dream and Cas can feel when it overwhelms him. Then Dean stops, resting his hands on the table, head hanging, swallows and shakes his head a little to press the tears back. Cas is unable to do the same, and seeing Dean so wrecked in this memory makes his tears flow freely. Cas realizes that this is Dean saying his final goodbye.

  


The angel lifts his shoulders and let his broken wings appear over the images. Slowly he dip the tip of his primaries in the stream over the memory, it instantly changes, there are now gold spreading around the edges, the image going still and fading away. Suddenly they are by the phone booth from were he had called the brothers. Cas can sense that this is his doing. He wasn't sure there where enough power left in the feathers, but when he sees the colors disappearing from his wings into the dream he is prepared to let it all drain in there. One after another the feathers starts falling of. They slowly go colorless and then drops to the stream, sinking. The pictures are now evolving around the part of Deans life that is most important to him, friends and family. Sam is in almost all of them, Cas in many. He can feel the sad longing in Dean after those whom they have lost, that he loved, but it's a good grief, a start of a process. All the time the image of them by the phone booth is in the background, as a foundation for the rest to lean on. Cas sits through the whole night slowly letting go of feathers in to the stream.

  


That morning came to Dean with a sore soul, tear drowned pillow and a lightness to his chest. He longs badly for Cas to be back soon.

  


*

  


Some weeks go by, with just a few signs pointing to Jack, and every lead already cold when the brothers arrive. So they hunt. A somewhat normal for them. There's an ease slowly settling in. Dean is sleeping again, the nigtmares are held at bay. He can feel them lurking somewhere in the bakground, but for some reason he has a respite at the moment. Sam take extra care during this time. There are more days at home in between hunts, and more often then not there is a pie and other good stuff in the fridge. Dean is delighted. With some beer and a slice of pie he excuses himself early in the evenings, and indulge in movies.

  


Sams smile falter when his brother disapeare toward his room. Something was still off. First he had seen Dean zoon out several time during research, stop mid track looking gone. Then there had been the time when he had fallen over in the library, he said that he had just stumbled over something. Sam checked, there had been nothing laying around. And then that one time he had fallen and been unconcuis. Sam had made sure to drive after that, somehow convincing Dean that it was for the better. Which had been in the last minute since Dean sometimes had doozed of mid sentence. Sam was almost convinced Dean had got narcolepsy. And it was such a strange thing to think about. They were never sick! They got bruises and cuts and stuff like that, but sick? Nah. Something was up and he didn't like it. He turn on the larm on Deans door again. Which give nothing. So says nothing and keeps an steady eye on his brother.

  


And then Cas gets back.

  


*

  


"Lucifer, you went to.. Cas what were you thinking?! Do you remember nothing of the last time you tried to work with him? Nothing? Anything?! Cas, I.." Dean hears them, but some af the words seem strange, like they don't belong.

".. and Jack will never.." It's like, there is a distance. Are they still standing in front of him? Why does the ground seem out of angle? Is there a bug somewhere near? There's a ringing, kind of buzzing noise.

".. but I know you wouldn't listen to.."

"Dean!" There's a hand stretched towards him but everything is heavy, is, is. Is he falling?

Before any of them can catch him Dean slumps to the floor, hitting his head on the table several times on the way down.

  


".. was sleeping well again, you know? I uh, started to use the larm again, after you left. Just in case. But nothing."

"Okay, but has he been eating enough? Drinking sufficiently with water?" Saw snorted.

"Drinking yes, water no."

"I've been uh.. urgh.. I've been drinking water.. urgh." Sams eyes snap to his.

"Dean! Your'e awake!"

"Well, mostly.." His mouth feels dry. "Could I have some water?"

"Of course! I'll go and, eh, fetch some uh.." Sam moves out of the room awkwardly fast. Dean looks quizzically at Cas.

"What's with him?" Cas still looks at the door. "Cas?"

"I think he got scared."

"Scared?"

"Yes. You were unconscious for some time."

"What wait, what happened? How long was I out?"

"Since yesterday afternoon."

"Since what..?! What the hell, couldn't you just have woken me up?!" Dean flings himself out of the bed, and directly hits the floor. Cas is by his side in a rush.

"Careful Dean. You are not fully restored. You had a concussion when falling down, but there were other things. I had to take it slowly. Sam has been worried."

"Right now you are making me worried, just spit it out man! What's wrong with me?!"

"There isn't a name to it. You were affected by the power in my wings."

"Your what..?!" Dean chokes a little.

"When I was a prisoner of Asmadeus, I was unable to reach out to the angels. The warding was to heavy. But somehow our bond made it possible for you to reach me."

"No, I didn't.."

"You were asleep Dean, it was subconscious. You were not aware." A streak of sadness pass Cas face, and is gone.

"But, but, I.."

"You were suffering, and your soul reached out to me. I didn't know what to do. I've never heard of anything like that before, didn't know it could happen." Dean is now sitting on the bed again, looking back and forth between his hands and the floor.

"Your nightmare was visible, so I took my wings and dipped some of the feathers in to them. Things changed and became calmer." A pause. "I see that this makes you uncomfortable." Dean give him a quick look, but goes back to stare at his hands.

"The power in an angels wings is not something that is suppose to ever touch a human being. It had hurt your soul. You were starting to.. your soul was trying to, get out of your body. It's hard to explain, so I'll leave it to that. But everything is normal now. I was able to extract the energy."

"You didn't use any needles on me?" Dean looks around the room for medical equipment.

"No. It wasn't necessary."

There is a beat or two. Cas wait.

"Why was this scaring Sam?"

"You almost died."

"I what?!" Dean is on his feet again.

"The energy had started to tear on your soul, there were cracks. Everything is healed now, but your body is probably tired after this. You should rest." Dean stares at him.

"My soul had.. cracks..?"

"Yes. They are healed now."

"... cracks..? How even... this is.. Man, it's you know.. eh.."

"You are tired. I can put you to sleep if you would like." Cas stretch two fingers towards Deans forehead.

"Hell no!" Dean exclaim and bats away the hand. It is like a needle to the heart in Cas. Dean looks him in the eyes and sees it.

"I should go." Cas is in the corridor in a few steps.

"Wait, Cas! Wait up!" Deans legs carries him to the doorway, and then betray him. Cas is gone. Sitting on the floor against the door, Dean mentally slaps himself. Stupid stupid stupid. And that's when he spots it, the feather. It's quite big, all dark gray, laying under his bed. Not risking to fall again, he crawls over and picks it up. In his hands it's soft and a little warm. Close up he sees the edges are glimmering with hints of gold. Dean just stares, it's truly beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it, more to come in a week or two, have a lot other things going right now.


	6. Feather

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean tries his signature move; bury and things never happened. How's that working out for you Dean?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The recent period in my life have been hard on me. Add that this is my first time publicing anything, I had no idea how to do this :D But good things are happening, and I am starting to figure this writing thing out as well. 
> 
> Visit me on [tumblr](https://itsanending.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Chapter named after Feather by William Wild

Cas keeps his distance during the following days. Dean sees it and slaps himself again. But despite the soul cracking course he had been on, he now feels fine. Even great! Cas is here where he belongs, Sam has some new lead on Jack, there's no big threat looming over them. This can be good. If just Cas would talk to him. And if he just could shake the feeling that the peace treaty with his nightmares are hanging in a thin thread. 

There have been days when a trickle of anxiety makes it way through his mind, his gut and heart. He hasn't told Sammy, it would be silly, and Cas still doesn't look at him, much less talk to him, unless it's truly necessary. But there's a small flask in his drawer that are a perfect friend in those times. Right now is one of those times and the liquid give a nice burn in his throat. Much easier to focus on that then the feeling that something is drawing nearer to him, ready to swallow him whole if he really looked at it. How lucky is he then, to have the must perfect bed in the world. It's like this mattress is made just for him. And there's this line that goes straight over the bed, so if he lays in the middle and peer up, he like to think he is in the center of the room. The bedrooms are in the middle of the bunker complex, maybe his room is in the center? What if this line, this crack is the center of the whole bunker. Then he would be laying right under it. He smirks a little at his deep thinking and takes another swing from the flask. How can he never learn to not drink laying down! He is coughing curled around his middle, tears dripping from his nose as he tries to get the terrible burn out of his windpipe. 

With snot still forming drips on his lip he makes his the way to get some water and papertowels in the kitchen. He can hear Cas and Sam shuffeling around in the library. It's such a familiar and normal sound; the thud of big books being opened, pages turned, a pen aganist paper, clinking of glas sat down on the table and a frustrated sigh. He chuckles. And frowns. Jack's still gone, both Cas and Sam are looking for ways to find him. It's been like this for almost two weeks now, and they still have no good lead on where the kid can be or what he may be up to. He drinks his water still frowning. It's also a little embarrising that he haven't helped that much in the search yet. But it's been quite awkward being around Cas. And that's been going on for four days now. Maybe he regrets part of that last conversation, but it was so sudden, and he couldn't think of loosing control once again. Cas had really just wanted to help him. It was, uhm scary. He turns and cleans the glas. Scary? Where had that come from? If things just could go back to normal with Cas then everything would be good again. 

"Dean?" Sams voice carries through the corridors. "Dean!"  
"Kitchen!"  
"Hey, there you are, we think we found something."  
"Huh?"  
"On Jack?" Sam frowns and taps his hand on the wall. A sigh. "There's a spell, it's kind of a tracking spell, and we need some blood from you for it."  
"What, why me?"  
"It's supposed to be blood from an oldest sibling."  
"Huh, oldest huh. Always some excuse to get me to bleed."  
"Really Dean?" Sam has crossed his arms, eyebrow raised. "Why are you so damm obstinate?"  
"What? I'm not obstinate!"  
"You are. Don't you want Jack back? Is that what all this is about?"  
"Of course I want him back! Wait, what "all this"?"  
"You've been weird for days, Cas says it too."  
"He does huh?" Dean mumbles down to the sink.  
"What?"  
"Mm, nothing. You needed my blood?" He press pass Sam in the doorway.  
"Hey, wait, I was not done here!" Sam shouts after him.  
"Well, places to be, spells to bleed for!" Dean take the sharp turn in to the war room with one hasty stride, and slam right in to Cas. A hand on his shoulder prevents him from falling backwards.  
"Careful there buddy! Otherwise you'll have me on my back some day." He gives Cas a wink and halts. Cas jaw are set and his eyes are hard.  
"We are doing everything we can to find Jack. You on the other hand avoid research, and adding to that have the stomach to throw innuendos at me?!" He pull back his hand and Dean stumbles. That had been a stupid thing to say apperently, but how could he know the angel was so sensitive?  
"Yeez, sorry man. Take it down a few notch will you?" But he can't look Cas in the eyes. Ducking out, he head to the library. In one of the bureaus there are small clean containers, so he pulls out his pocket knife and makes a cut on his lower arm. There's murmur behind him. Apparently Cas and Sam are talking about him. Apparently that is something they do. Apparently they have a lot to say. The glas container is soon filled. With a bang he puts it on the table. It's a little louder bang then intended. The murmur goes silent.  
"Here's that oldest sibling blood." He pass them on the way to his room, a few driplets of blood falling from his arm. Why didn't he think to bring towel or handkerchief to tie it up? There's none in his room either, and continues to the toilet. 

If he had a penny every time he averted his eyes from the mirror? He would be a freaking millionaire. There's a knot in his chest that just got slightly tighter and heavier. He wanted to both run far far away, and fall straight to the ground in an puddle here and now, all at the same time. Leaning on the counter his brain decided that neither was good enough, and that a rush of adrenaline was the best way to deal with this enormous lurging non-existing threat that loomed over him since, since... Since how long? And how had he gotten so worked up all of a sudden? There had been peace just moments ago (except Cas had been angry with him, and some hellish nightmare was just waiting to put its teeth into him, Sam was deffensive and Jack could be anywhere right now breaking things with his mind). This was normal, their normal. This wasn't worse than anything else they had encountered. This situation was actually the best possible right now. Since when had they had a "best possible outcome" from anything? Huh? This was freaking fantastic compared to their normal gig. Everything is fine. Just fine.

Standing infront of the bathroom door, he listens. Even though things are fine, great even, he really isn't in the mood to deal with either Sam or Cas for the moment. When no sounds seeps through he slips out and down the corridor towards his room. Someones steps are heard, sounds like Sams heavy ones. Cas are much ligther on his feet. With some quick strides Dean throws himself through his door and tries to shut it quietly but something is in the way, the door doesn't close. With a sudden rush of heartbeat he's on the floor and slides himself under his bed. As long as he had been quiet about it, there are no reasons for Sam to go look there, right? The footsteps stop, but the blood drumming in his ears make all other sounds blur together. Was that a creak from the door?  
"Dean?" He was right in it being Sam.  
With a hand over his mouth he keeps the dust away. Slowly turning his eyes towards the light from the door he can see the outlining of legs. They take a few steps in and Sam is adjusting the door. Really Sam, he would never hide behind the door! It's clearly to obvious. He is smarter then that. Under the bed it is! Or in the closet if there is any.  
"The hell did he went..?" Sam stepts out again and tries to close the door. Something is still in the way. Dean can see his brother squat down to look for what it is, and then he gets on his knees and hands to look further. And, dammit.  
"Dean. What the hell?" There is a bitchface there, Dean knows it, he just has a hard time seeing properly since there's to much dust right up his face. He hates cleaning, but this is beyond what even he think is okay.  
"Dean, just get out of there."  
"Ohauh!"  
"What?"  
"I said ok- achoo!" Dust swirls out from under the bed. Removing his hand from his mouth was clearly not good.  
"Achoo! I'm on my way! Achoo-o!"  
"Just.. Wait, I can.."  
Getting under the bed had been no problem, getting out is proving to be not so easy. Sneezing again he hits his head in the beds underside, get knocked back to the floor, hits his nose square on, takes a deep teary breathe and inhales something huge, and starts to splutter. Sam has had enough and grabs him by the ankles. In a hoist Dean is out from under the bed, with a running nose, a lump growing on the back of his head, eyes teared, and a huge dust of something stuck halfway down his throat. The sight is to much for Sam. Turning on his heel, he stalk out of the room, pulling the door closed behind him. With to much force it seemed, since whatever hindered the door is still there. The door blade bounce back, and Dean, still trashing on the floor to get rid of the accumilated dust from under his bed, is hit right on his ankle. He let out a stiffled grount. Getting rid of the stupid dust before he could inhale it all, was easier said then done. With a final swift motion he is rid of the things blocking his airways and is limping towards the door, not overly eager to be to near what his adventure under the bed had brought out into the light, before he knew what it is.

It's another one. This feather is as long as his forearm, almost black, and gold shimmering at the edges as if there was a light source passing before it back and forth. Dean is now freaking out a little since there isn't any light in the room other then the one at his bedside, that deffinitely was standing stock still. And it wasn't there the other day when he found the first one. This is clearly a case for the nerds.  
"Uhm, Sammy?"

He limp out to the library where Sam and Cas are currently staring at a laptop.  
"Hey guys, uh, there's something in my room I think you want to take look at."  
"Dean, if this is one of those.." Sam starts without looking up.  
"No, for real."  
"I swear to god, if it's like that time when.."  
"Sammy! And I swear to god that this really is something you want to see. For real." Sam rises his head and gives him a bitch face.  
"Just come, okay? If it scars you I promise to help you with dish soap and some good scrub in your eyes." His cheeky smile is met with another face, so he let it fall. "Please?" A glance at Cas, just one, and he sees that Cas is looking at him without distaste. At least that's progress. He hopes. 

"Wow, it was under your bed? How did it get there? I mean, it's like, huge!" They are standing around the feather. It's magnificent. Sam gazes, but Cas looks uncomfortable, squirming around.  
"Cas, man, what's up?" Cas goes still and give the boys a stern look.  
"You found it here in your room." It's not a question.  
"Yeah, under the bed. Why?"  
"And there is another one, also found there?"  
"Yes, under the bed, why Cas?"  
"They are mine."  
"Hey! Finders keepers, go find your own."  
"No. I mean. The feathers comes from my wings." The brothers blank faces turn to him.  
"I told you, during the imprisonment in hell, your soul reach out to me.."  
"Wait, stop." Dean glances at Sam, and looks down at the feather. "Ehum, you told this to, eh, does he..?" Dean ask and tilts his head at Sam.  
"Yes, I told Sam about your nightmares and what I did to help you through them." Sam goes for a innocent face, but there's a smug smile tugging at his mouth.  
"And these feathers fell from your wings i the spiritual realm, but somehow ended up in the physical under my bed?"  
"Yes." Dean runs a hand down his face.  
"Okay, okay... And do you have any idea why?"  
"Well yes, there are these theories about bonded souls that.."  
"Sam, get lost." Both the other mens eyes snap to Dean.  
"What? But.."  
"Out!"  
"Just when things started to get interesting!"  
"Sammy.." Dean say, his voice just a growl.  
"Okay okay, fine! I'm leaving.."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, let's get the boys talking shall we? Or well, you know how they talk. They don't. But don't worry, they are getting there.


End file.
